Empowering women to rise, without becoming someone else to do it
I used to say yes to every request, terrified of not being liked. I’d stretch myself thin for friends, family, and even for the neighbor living 2 blocks away who wanted me to mentor her son. I spent countless hours pouring into people who never gave me a second thought, much less a thank you. All I have to show for it is quiet resentment and a lingering feeling of being used.
Eventually, I realized this wasn’t a me-problem. It was a pattern, one every woman I know pays for.
The Good Girl Tax is the invisible cost women pay for being agreeable. It’s the emotional labor, unpaid work, the extra mile that isn’t required but quietly expected. It’s the cost of being raised to be “good,” not bold. Pleasant, not powerful. Helpful, not ambitious.
We don’t call it a tax, but that’s exactly what it is: a lifelong surcharge on our time, energy, and earning potential. Some women pay with sleep. Some pay with missed opportunities. Some pay with resentment that feels too taboo to name. And for many of us Black, Brown, Desi, immigrant, first-gen women, the tax is doubled. We’re raised to be the glue. To smooth things over. To show up even when no one shows up for us.
At work, the pattern continues. We take the notes. We organize the birthdays. We soothe the egos and mediate the conflicts that aren’t ours. We become the team mom instead of the team lead. Meanwhile, your male colleague says “Sorry, I don’t have the bandwidth” with the confidence of a man who knows he’ll still get promoted. And he does. Because setting boundaries is seen as leadership when men do it and personality flaws when women do.
I’m not advocating for selfishness or transactional relationships. In fact, research shows that “an educated woman is more likely to give back to the community than her male counterparts,“ and I think that’s an incredible thing. A big motivator for me working as hard as I do is being able to pour back into my community and the people around me. But generosity shouldn’t require self-erasure. Giving shouldn’t mean draining. And contribution shouldn’t cost us our growth. The point isn’t to stop giving but rather to stop giving in ways that erase us.
So here are the boundaries I’m learning to set because I’m done paying the good girl tax.
Take a beat- When someone asks me for a favor, I give myself 24 hours to respond. This way, I have time to decide, not just react.
Check for reciprocity- Is this a person who pours into me, too? It doesn’t have to be equal, just mutual.
Does this align with my values- Does this move me toward the woman I’m trying to become? Or away from her?
Remember that no is a complete sentence and that your energy is a gift.
